home sweet home.

Well, yay for fall break. I survived my first college midterms... survived being a relative term of course considering how badly I did on my bio test. But they're over and now I don't really have to stress until finals time. I mean, I'll still have work to do and everything but not as much. Being home these past four days have taught me a lot of things. Firstly, people change. Things happen and distance makes things different. It's not anything that anyone can control and I'm sure I've changed too. It's just one of those things I need to learn to deal with because I can't do anything about it regardless. Secondly, high school sucked ass and I definitely don't need to go re-live it. I went to visit and see friends, which was nice, but it was also awkward as hell with everyone looking at me like "why the fuck is she here" like sorry bros, my bad. But I got to eat cookies so everything was a-okay. And I got a hair cut! Plus while I was home I got to see all my favorite people that are still around, including Alaina and Meghan who just happened to be home too! I got a lot of things I really needed and I'm bringing back all my winter clothes, eek! And best of all, I got a dress for my Alpha Phi Omega initiation formal dance! I don't know that I'm in love with it but it'll do and it was pretty cheap. Plus it got approval from Alex, Conor and Ben so it can't be that horrid. I'm super excited to get back to 11G and see all my lovely ladies and get back to living the SLU life. Plus, on Thursday I'm going to see Les Mis and on Saturday, I'm going to see J Biebs live in concert. Holy balls, I might poop my pants. Wednesday and Friday, I have full nights of getting service done before APO initiation so it's gonna be a crazy busy week. Hopefully I don't have too much homework and have time for all these fun things. I really have to say, I love being in college in a big city and having so much to do all the time. I would probably die of boredom anywhere else. God really did know what he was doing and I will be forever grateful for the life He has given me. Life is so good sometimes. Now I just have to survive the car ride driving back to the STL tomorrow..

PS - Ben went to the cardiologist today and they still aren't quite sure what his problem is with his heart but it isn't life-threatening which is so good. He has to wear a heart monitor but that's so minor compared to what it could have been. I am so blessed to have him and I am so grateful that he isn't in pain anymore and that hopefully all of this will be over and figured out soon.

not my comfort zone.

Short post today before I go to class... First of all, yesterday was national ass day... so of course all my friends and I celebrated and had lots of ass smacking. Also, we had a dance party to the song that goes, "ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass..." so I pulled out the dance moves that apparently I hadn't done here yet and all my friends freaked out that I could move my ass/boobs like that. And so today Alex was like, "teach me how to do that for the APO formal in a few weeks!" and then we started talking about the dance and it somehow jumped to grinding to which I was like "I have absolutely no idea how to do that.... never done it before." Her and Conor were pretty much shocked. So Alex was trying to teach me and said "You just rub your ass into his dick until he gets hard." And I just kind of stood there. Like, clearly I knew that... but she put it so bluntly. Now I'm kind of nervous for the APO formal cause I'm taking Ben and clearly that will be expected of me and it's so out of my comfort zone and shit... I just don't fucking know. I'm a good girl, I don't do this sort of thing! Okay, end of my prude moment. Gotta love college...

midterms.

This past week has been a crazy flurry of busyness and stress and struggle bussin hardcore. Laura came for a long weekend, which was wonderful! She got to experience the insanity that is SLU, ride the metro, eat Pickleman's and break the two biggest campus rules - picking flowers and running through a fountain! Then, once she left, it was time to study for my biology midterm, which actually didn't rape me as hard as I thought it would, thank you Mr. Taber. That same night, I had to write two papers and do math homework... it was swell. So I stayed up really late studying and such. Monday afternoon came and hit me like a runaway train. I got back from lunch and did laundry then I went to adoration, which is where it all started going downhill. I really really missed adoration, but it also made me question if I was making the decisions I really wanted to be making. I always had such high standards and expectations and now I'm kicking myself all over the place wondering if I'm lowering them or doing what I actually want. So I came back to my room after that and just sat by myself for a while and then started scrolling through Facebook. I saw that my friend Kate posted a status about the one year anniversary of her closest friend from the US's death. He was out kayaking with his friends last year in Lake Michigan and he got sucked into the current and his kayak flipped. They tried and tried to get him out but eventually it was just too late. It kind of struck me how short life can really be. Which made me think even more if I was living how I wanted to be. Out of nowhere, I felt incredibly homesick and eventually ended up crying myself to sleep, which sounds totally pathetic. Anyway, Ben came in like half an hour later and told me he didn't like how I wasn't being myself when we were in groups and he just wished I could be how I am with him around everyone else. He also told me that Christy and Montsy didn't think I liked them, which is so untrue. And I honestly am not acting any different except maybe more shy and quiet when we're in big groups... I don't even know. We'll see where this relationship goes, if anywhere. Right now, I honestly think he's avoiding me. He texts me back one word answers, hasn't come to talk to me once today and basically just completely ignored me when I was in the same room as him. It was super awesome. So yeah. That's my life. And then this morning, Alex had an appointment with the allergist to try and figure out what exactly she's allergic to. We met at the bus stop (and she brought me a muffin!) and then went over there and went through a huge, long registration process. When we finally got into the room,  we ended up sitting there with a 1st year fellowship med student who spoke very little english trying to solve Alex's case. We tried explaining a million times that it was rice crispy treats that caused the reaction and he just kept going "what? raspberries?" in a spanish accent. Eventually the real doctor came in, they stabbed her with a bunch of needles and guess what. Four hours later, after sitting, bored out of our minds, the results were "We don't know, call us again in two weeks, don't eat any rice, chocolate, peanut butter or gelatin in the mean time." So that was a great time. And now I'm here, in my super dark room, trying not to think about homework. Welcome to my life... it's a great time.

this is high school all over again.

DRAMA. So, the whole thing happened Sunday night and all day it was so awkward. I went to the Cardinal's playoff game last night (which was soooo much fun!) with Alex, Nicole, Brad, Conor and Christine, so I got my mind off the issue for a bit. Then when I got back, I tried to put away my clothes from the laundry I'd done earlier and Ben just barges in and starts tearing me down. Dominique was in the room and everything and he just went off like about how I forced him into and uncomfortable situation and on and on and on. So he finally left and I went into Rachel's room and cried for like 20 minutes... then skyped Alyssa, which made everything better :) But then after a shower, I decided I just needed to talk to Christy and be straight up with her about everything. We talked for a little bit and everything is still going to be really awkward but at least everything is out in the open now. Ben came down and he and I talked for a little bit too, which helped. I just don't want it to have to be this way all the time... ya know? Like, I thought I left the drama in high school...

privacy.

At home, there was such a thing as privacy. People didn't have to know the things you didn't want them to know. Here, there's no such thing. Everyone knows everything, or likes to think they know, what happens behind closed doors. And they give you endless shit about it. Ben and I are dating... yes, we make out when the door is closed. But you have no idea about anything what happens other than that. No, his sweater was not off. No, that mark on my neck is not a hickey, I burnt myself on my fucking straightener. Yes, my chin is really red and dry but it's mostly because the weather is changing and my face gets really dry, not scruff burn. I know that you're Ben's best friend and you think that means you need to know everything that happens but leave me alone. Like, do not harass me about it. It's a 24/7 thing too. It's all she says to me is random shit about what Ben and I do in private. And then last night, I was just sitting next to him on the futon and just gets up, tackles him and sits on his fucking face. What the hell? Then she was talking about cum (disgusting conversation topic, right?) and was like 'Ben, I swear to God if you get cum on this couch.' I was just like "uh.... there are so many reasons that won't happen..." but she just keeps pushing it. The kicker was when she said "Ben, have you gotten your dick stroked yet?" while I was sitting right there. Who the hell says that. For real. So finally I was just like "Christy, it's not funny, stop." And then she got all pissy and refuses to talk to me now. Cool. And Ben is like, 'she wants me to side with her because we're so close, but you're my girlfriend and I don't know what to do.' I don't even know why she has a side to take to be honest. Did I do something wrong by not wanting her harassing me all the time? Like, I don't understand why she's so angry with me. At all. I just want to keep my private life private, is that too much to ask? Any input anyone?

In other news, I died a strand of my hair pink for breast cancer awareness month. I love it! It's so bright and Maggie-tastic!

need to vent.

This post is seriously just me getting out my feelings because I don't have anywhere else to put them. What do you do when your best guy friend absolutely hates your boyfriends guts? How do you deal with it when they're yelling at each other about politics and other stupid shit... who's side do you take?Granted, Conor was slightly intoxicated... but that definitely doesn't change it. I can usually put up with Brad and Conor's snide remarks when Ben's not around but tonight I literally could have killed both of them. I just wanted it all to end. And the tension was so thick it was tangible. Then I was laying on the ground and some drunk guy spilt his drink in my eye... like thanks a million bro, that's just what I needed. Basically, I'm just super angsty tonight and I just really need to go to bed but I'm too worked up and upset now. Plus Alex is super upset lately and it breaks my heart, but I don't know her well enough to know how to help her. Ugh.... sometimes, I just wish I could sleep until things work themselves out.

Taken.

So, last night Ben and I were hanging out and I was finally like 'what are we? Are we together or dating or awkward friends with weird benefits or what?' And he was like 'what do you want to be?' And I was like, 'I don't know' and he was like 'do you want to be my girlfriend?' And I said yes! So now I'm a taken woman! He makes me really happy so I'm super excited. It's weird to be in a relationship again.... And I have some serious insecurities left from my last relationship/breakup. But I'm praying that God helps it all work out.

In other news, today's been fabulous. I went to breakfast with Rachel this morning and then Alex and I took an adventure to find out where her doctors appointment is going to be next week. Then we walked back from the med campus and got Starbucks for ourselves and Brad and Conor. Those two are seriously the greatest guy friends a girl could ask for. We literally don't know what we'd do without them and we're so blessed to have them. They're so hilarious and genuinely want us to be happy. And their like brothers to us so there's no awkward pretense or anything which make it even better. I'm just feeling really lucky to have the life I have right now. Here's Conor's tweet after we brought him Starbucks:)