Tuesday, October 30, 2012

justin mothereffing bieber.

Things are seriously rocking on. Like, was it really only Wednesday I got dumped? It seems like forever. Ben and I were a fucking baaaaad idea.... never doing that again. Plus, we're all 97% sure he likes boys...which would be a problem considering I'm not a boy. So anyway, I've been just kind of ignoring/avoiding him because I don't want to deal with it and he's annoying as fuck. Crazy how quickly things can change. Anyway, I'm happier and less stressed now. Me, Alex, Brad and Conor worked at a halloween party for disadvantaged children on Friday afternoon so Brad and I spent some quality time together as we chaperoned a little girl around. It was kind of awk but he's funny so it's whatever. I tried to ask him about the Kate drama but he basically pleaded the 5th. Which was annoying. But we got to dress up and wear our loofah costumes while the boys wore their soap boxes that we put so much time into making. Then, that night, Meghan was here and we got all dressed up in costume and tried to catch a bus to a party at a club but after not fitting into the first two shuttles, we decided we didn't want to wait in the freezing cold for another 20 minutes to squeeze into the next bus. So we came back and Meghan and I made our tshirts for the Justin Bieber concert and watched some Say Yes to The Dress. Saturday was Make a Difference Day at SLU so we woke up at 7 and spent the next 7 hours doing intense yard work in an old cemetery. By the time we got back, Meghan and I had some serious Justin Bieber preparation to do. Once we got to the concert, we had to wait in line for an hour and a half to get in, then wait in another ridiculous line to buy merchandise. But it was totally worth it for my amazing new J Biebs shirt! Then Cody Simpson was the opening act (he's fucking attractive and talented!), followed by Carly Rae Jepsen. She definitely wasn't anything too special but she did sing Call Me Maybe! Then there was Justin. I can't even explain how amazing it was. I know you're probably a hater, but it was seriously the best thing I've ever experienced. Like, words cannot express. But then Sunday came and I actually had to do homework... which sucked ass. And then yesterday, I did some more homework and chilled out. And now, I'm doing homework. Gotta love college life... But last night, on campus a student was robbed at gunpoint. Which makes me feel reallllly safe and shit. And there's a ton of drama at SLU because the college of arts and sciences voted 30-2 against our schools president in a vote of no confidence. So that's kind of alarming. Like, really alarming. But now I'm off to finish my paper... only two more paragraphs, I can do this! Oh and last Thursday I saw Les Mis at the Fox, it was amazing!!

this is a picture of approximately 80% of my best friends in the entire world. 

Justin Bieber, fuck yeah.

seriously, greatest costumes ever. alex is a genius for coming up with it

dat ass.

he's fucking beautiful.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

but seriously?

I'm honestly just posting this because I don't have anything better to do. I don't have any imminent homework and all my friends are working on theirs so I'm just sitting in my room... cause Ben is in Christy and Alex's room and I just don't want to deal with that shit right now. I can feel this one headed straight down the drain. Which might be fine. I just got froyo with Alex, Lynn and Conor so that was good.

UPDATE: Well, in the middle of writing this blog post, Ben walks in and gives me some bullshit "I'm done with the drama, you're stressing me out and it's bad for my health" and that I didn't care enough about his health issues. So clearly, in the back of my mind, the only thing I can hear is Adam's voice saying "you are too selfish for me"... and then all I can think is "You are not worth anything. No one will ever be able to love you because your anxiety disorder ruins everything." It's literally what is standing between me and actually being confident and happy. I'm so sick of constantly worrying about everything all the time. Oh, and he actually had the audacity to say "phones work both ways you know" to my face. Like, hello, you're the one who needed to learn that lesson... not me. I texted you plenty thank you. And now I'm 97% sure that Christine is gonna go around spreading shit about me to him because she has a tendency to be a two-faced bitch and she was always a little jealous of me and Ben. So apparently he and I are "taking a break" until he gets his health figured out. Which is whatever because I won't be here waiting for him. I deserve better. I deserve a true man of God and I refuse to settle for less. This was a nice, although late, rebound from Adam and I know what I actually want now. I don't even fucking know what happened between us but I'm alright with it being over. I just feel like I am literally worthless now. And that's what kills me. Plus there's gonna be a shit ton of drama on the floor now and I don't want that. I just want this to all be over and move on. Now I'm off to ask Justin Bieber to my APO formal. It never hurts to ask, right? Haha, you think I'm joking right now, but I'm totally not. At all. 

Monday, October 22, 2012

home sweet home.

Well, yay for fall break. I survived my first college midterms... survived being a relative term of course considering how badly I did on my bio test. But they're over and now I don't really have to stress until finals time. I mean, I'll still have work to do and everything but not as much. Being home these past four days have taught me a lot of things. Firstly, people change. Things happen and distance makes things different. It's not anything that anyone can control and I'm sure I've changed too. It's just one of those things I need to learn to deal with because I can't do anything about it regardless. Secondly, high school sucked ass and I definitely don't need to go re-live it. I went to visit and see friends, which was nice, but it was also awkward as hell with everyone looking at me like "why the fuck is she here" like sorry bros, my bad. But I got to eat cookies so everything was a-okay. And I got a hair cut! Plus while I was home I got to see all my favorite people that are still around, including Alaina and Meghan who just happened to be home too! I got a lot of things I really needed and I'm bringing back all my winter clothes, eek! And best of all, I got a dress for my Alpha Phi Omega initiation formal dance! I don't know that I'm in love with it but it'll do and it was pretty cheap. Plus it got approval from Alex, Conor and Ben so it can't be that horrid. I'm super excited to get back to 11G and see all my lovely ladies and get back to living the SLU life. Plus, on Thursday I'm going to see Les Mis and on Saturday, I'm going to see J Biebs live in concert. Holy balls, I might poop my pants. Wednesday and Friday, I have full nights of getting service done before APO initiation so it's gonna be a crazy busy week. Hopefully I don't have too much homework and have time for all these fun things. I really have to say, I love being in college in a big city and having so much to do all the time. I would probably die of boredom anywhere else. God really did know what he was doing and I will be forever grateful for the life He has given me. Life is so good sometimes. Now I just have to survive the car ride driving back to the STL tomorrow..

PS - Ben went to the cardiologist today and they still aren't quite sure what his problem is with his heart but it isn't life-threatening which is so good. He has to wear a heart monitor but that's so minor compared to what it could have been. I am so blessed to have him and I am so grateful that he isn't in pain anymore and that hopefully all of this will be over and figured out soon.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

not my comfort zone.

Short post today before I go to class... First of all, yesterday was national ass day... so of course all my friends and I celebrated and had lots of ass smacking. Also, we had a dance party to the song that goes, "ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass..." so I pulled out the dance moves that apparently I hadn't done here yet and all my friends freaked out that I could move my ass/boobs like that. And so today Alex was like, "teach me how to do that for the APO formal in a few weeks!" and then we started talking about the dance and it somehow jumped to grinding to which I was like "I have absolutely no idea how to do that.... never done it before." Her and Conor were pretty much shocked. So Alex was trying to teach me and said "You just rub your ass into his dick until he gets hard." And I just kind of stood there. Like, clearly I knew that... but she put it so bluntly. Now I'm kind of nervous for the APO formal cause I'm taking Ben and clearly that will be expected of me and it's so out of my comfort zone and shit... I just don't fucking know. I'm a good girl, I don't do this sort of thing! Okay, end of my prude moment. Gotta love college...

Tuesday, October 16, 2012


This past week has been a crazy flurry of busyness and stress and struggle bussin hardcore. Laura came for a long weekend, which was wonderful! She got to experience the insanity that is SLU, ride the metro, eat Pickleman's and break the two biggest campus rules - picking flowers and running through a fountain! Then, once she left, it was time to study for my biology midterm, which actually didn't rape me as hard as I thought it would, thank you Mr. Taber. That same night, I had to write two papers and do math homework... it was swell. So I stayed up really late studying and such. Monday afternoon came and hit me like a runaway train. I got back from lunch and did laundry then I went to adoration, which is where it all started going downhill. I really really missed adoration, but it also made me question if I was making the decisions I really wanted to be making. I always had such high standards and expectations and now I'm kicking myself all over the place wondering if I'm lowering them or doing what I actually want. So I came back to my room after that and just sat by myself for a while and then started scrolling through Facebook. I saw that my friend Kate posted a status about the one year anniversary of her closest friend from the US's death. He was out kayaking with his friends last year in Lake Michigan and he got sucked into the current and his kayak flipped. They tried and tried to get him out but eventually it was just too late. It kind of struck me how short life can really be. Which made me think even more if I was living how I wanted to be. Out of nowhere, I felt incredibly homesick and eventually ended up crying myself to sleep, which sounds totally pathetic. Anyway, Ben came in like half an hour later and told me he didn't like how I wasn't being myself when we were in groups and he just wished I could be how I am with him around everyone else. He also told me that Christy and Montsy didn't think I liked them, which is so untrue. And I honestly am not acting any different except maybe more shy and quiet when we're in big groups... I don't even know. We'll see where this relationship goes, if anywhere. Right now, I honestly think he's avoiding me. He texts me back one word answers, hasn't come to talk to me once today and basically just completely ignored me when I was in the same room as him. It was super awesome. So yeah. That's my life. And then this morning, Alex had an appointment with the allergist to try and figure out what exactly she's allergic to. We met at the bus stop (and she brought me a muffin!) and then went over there and went through a huge, long registration process. When we finally got into the room,  we ended up sitting there with a 1st year fellowship med student who spoke very little english trying to solve Alex's case. We tried explaining a million times that it was rice crispy treats that caused the reaction and he just kept going "what? raspberries?" in a spanish accent. Eventually the real doctor came in, they stabbed her with a bunch of needles and guess what. Four hours later, after sitting, bored out of our minds, the results were "We don't know, call us again in two weeks, don't eat any rice, chocolate, peanut butter or gelatin in the mean time." So that was a great time. And now I'm here, in my super dark room, trying not to think about homework. Welcome to my life... it's a great time.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

this is high school all over again.

DRAMA. So, the whole thing happened Sunday night and all day it was so awkward. I went to the Cardinal's playoff game last night (which was soooo much fun!) with Alex, Nicole, Brad, Conor and Christine, so I got my mind off the issue for a bit. Then when I got back, I tried to put away my clothes from the laundry I'd done earlier and Ben just barges in and starts tearing me down. Dominique was in the room and everything and he just went off like about how I forced him into and uncomfortable situation and on and on and on. So he finally left and I went into Rachel's room and cried for like 20 minutes... then skyped Alyssa, which made everything better :) But then after a shower, I decided I just needed to talk to Christy and be straight up with her about everything. We talked for a little bit and everything is still going to be really awkward but at least everything is out in the open now. Ben came down and he and I talked for a little bit too, which helped. I just don't want it to have to be this way all the time... ya know? Like, I thought I left the drama in high school...

Monday, October 8, 2012


At home, there was such a thing as privacy. People didn't have to know the things you didn't want them to know. Here, there's no such thing. Everyone knows everything, or likes to think they know, what happens behind closed doors. And they give you endless shit about it. Ben and I are dating... yes, we make out when the door is closed. But you have no idea about anything what happens other than that. No, his sweater was not off. No, that mark on my neck is not a hickey, I burnt myself on my fucking straightener. Yes, my chin is really red and dry but it's mostly because the weather is changing and my face gets really dry, not scruff burn. I know that you're Ben's best friend and you think that means you need to know everything that happens but leave me alone. Like, do not harass me about it. It's a 24/7 thing too. It's all she says to me is random shit about what Ben and I do in private. And then last night, I was just sitting next to him on the futon and just gets up, tackles him and sits on his fucking face. What the hell? Then she was talking about cum (disgusting conversation topic, right?) and was like 'Ben, I swear to God if you get cum on this couch.' I was just like "uh.... there are so many reasons that won't happen..." but she just keeps pushing it. The kicker was when she said "Ben, have you gotten your dick stroked yet?" while I was sitting right there. Who the hell says that. For real. So finally I was just like "Christy, it's not funny, stop." And then she got all pissy and refuses to talk to me now. Cool. And Ben is like, 'she wants me to side with her because we're so close, but you're my girlfriend and I don't know what to do.' I don't even know why she has a side to take to be honest. Did I do something wrong by not wanting her harassing me all the time? Like, I don't understand why she's so angry with me. At all. I just want to keep my private life private, is that too much to ask? Any input anyone?

In other news, I died a strand of my hair pink for breast cancer awareness month. I love it! It's so bright and Maggie-tastic!

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

need to vent.

This post is seriously just me getting out my feelings because I don't have anywhere else to put them. What do you do when your best guy friend absolutely hates your boyfriends guts? How do you deal with it when they're yelling at each other about politics and other stupid shit... who's side do you take?Granted, Conor was slightly intoxicated... but that definitely doesn't change it. I can usually put up with Brad and Conor's snide remarks when Ben's not around but tonight I literally could have killed both of them. I just wanted it all to end. And the tension was so thick it was tangible. Then I was laying on the ground and some drunk guy spilt his drink in my eye... like thanks a million bro, that's just what I needed. Basically, I'm just super angsty tonight and I just really need to go to bed but I'm too worked up and upset now. Plus Alex is super upset lately and it breaks my heart, but I don't know her well enough to know how to help her. Ugh.... sometimes, I just wish I could sleep until things work themselves out.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012


So, last night Ben and I were hanging out and I was finally like 'what are we? Are we together or dating or awkward friends with weird benefits or what?' And he was like 'what do you want to be?' And I was like, 'I don't know' and he was like 'do you want to be my girlfriend?' And I said yes! So now I'm a taken woman! He makes me really happy so I'm super excited. It's weird to be in a relationship again.... And I have some serious insecurities left from my last relationship/breakup. But I'm praying that God helps it all work out.

In other news, today's been fabulous. I went to breakfast with Rachel this morning and then Alex and I took an adventure to find out where her doctors appointment is going to be next week. Then we walked back from the med campus and got Starbucks for ourselves and Brad and Conor. Those two are seriously the greatest guy friends a girl could ask for. We literally don't know what we'd do without them and we're so blessed to have them. They're so hilarious and genuinely want us to be happy. And their like brothers to us so there's no awkward pretense or anything which make it even better. I'm just feeling really lucky to have the life I have right now. Here's Conor's tweet after we brought him Starbucks:)